I don’t know about you, but sometimes I feel like I’m too much.
I feel that I love too much and care too greatly, pouring my energy into people, just for it to be discarded like an old pair of pants.
I’m not one for small talk. I want to dance in your hopes and dreams, I want to dive into your worries and fears, I want to wade through your sadness with you and reassure you that everything you experience is magic waiting to happen. That every dark moment, every tear stained pillow, every heart breaking sob was leading you to exactly where you need to be.
But the trouble is, small talk is safe. There’s no worry of judgement when talking about the weather. There’s no fear of rejection when discussing Friday night plans. People can hide behind ‘I’m fine’ or ‘I’ll be okay’ then move on to the more pressing matter of what’s for dinner.
For someone like me, someone who becomes so invested in friendships and the stories that come with them, it can be difficult when people don’t mirror my energy.
So yes, sometimes I feel like I’m too much. That my constant talking becomes annoying. That my once endearing qualities are now the very thing that push people away. I panic when I notice people beginning to fade, because whether they know it or not, I poured so much into them and to watch my carefully constructed affection drain away hurts my heart.
Can I blame them? No, because after all, not everyone is ready for intensity. Not everyone wants honesty and openness, that doesn’t mean we should dull ourselves down just to keep people close, it just means that sometimes we need to protect our kindness.
Find people that mirror your light.
Remember, not everyone possesses the same heart as you and that’s okay. People may not be able to pour the same amount of love and care into the world, they might not want to dance in your hopes and dreams or wade through your sadness. That doesn’t mean that you’re too much. They might not understand why you crave depth, so save it for those who do.
Don’t dilute your love just to get someone to stay.
Don’t apologise for having a sensitive soul.
Never apologise for having a heart that holds so much.