I like to think that I write on this blog with transparency. Not for attention, not for validation, not for likes or follows, but with an openness and a hope to help others.
With that in mind, right now I’m struggling. But not in that obvious ‘I’m purging majority of my food intake’ way. It’s more subtle, I can get on with my day to day life, I can go to work, I can see friends, but there’s this small part of me that is numb and I’m still turning to food to try and change it.
It’s crept up on me over the last couple of weeks and I’m coming to the realisation that I haven’t been completely active in my recovery. I’ve stopped working at it. I’ve stopped trying.
What’s difficult with this situation is that it’s not an ‘in your face relapse’. Like when the pain and angst get so overwhelming you turn back to those habits which once soothed you and you had the knowledge of what was happening.
It’s sneaky, it’s inconspicuous, it creeps up on you after a crappy day so you just ‘pop to the supermarket’ and kid yourself that you REALLY need a loaf of bread and 3 different cheeses and that you’ll only have a little bit when you get home. But you walk through that door and dig in, before you know it the bread is gone and crumbs of the cheese are scattered around you like the messy evidence at a murder scene. You’re telling yourself that you were hungry after a long day and it’s justified! But is it? Is sitting in a trance gorging on bread and cheese okay? Is realising that you are past full and you don’t want anymore but you keep going normal?
So we can agree, recovery is not ‘cute’ and it’s not comfortable.
If it is comfortable it’s not happening. Which evidently I’ve come to realise.
Recovery should be tough, it should be hard work, it should be uncomfortable. It’s taking time to unlearn all of those habits which are ingrained into us. It feels never ending and sometimes we wonder if it’s even worth it.
It is. It’s so worth it.
Even on days like this, when the words aren’t flowing smoothly, inspiration is lacking and we wish that we could regain some control over the messiness that makes us human. But that control we believed we had, it was just a charade.
So yes, I’m still in recovery but I’m still me! I haven’t got everything worked out, I try and spread awareness and positivity but I can’t hide from the fact that I’m still going to struggle on occasion.
I will keep myself uncomfortable, I will sit with my thoughts more and challenge the disordered thoughts.
Maybe I will always deal with these ups and downs around food and emotions. Maybe things will get easier. But for now I’m trying and I guess, that’s all that matters.