My thoughts are running 100 miles an hour and I feel as if my grip is loosening. This post won’t be full of clever anecdotes or helpful tips, it’s just going to be me, raw and true.
My stomach is heavy with ongoing anxiety which I have been actively trying to suppress for the last few days. I am ignoring my worries and pushing all of life’s stresses to the back of my mind. I know full well that in doing this I am fighting a loosing battle. Suppressing feelings has never worked and will never work for me. In fact it’s a ticking time bomb, which, if left, will explode. It will lead me to engage in behaviours that I’ve spent so long battling against…. Actually, wait. I said this would be raw and true, an honest account. So, it should be known, I’ve already engaged in disordered behaviours.
Yep that’s right, I had a relapse. Friday night, after work. I felt numb and pretty empty, it hadn’t been a bad day, just a build up of emotions which I didn’t deal with/avoided to deal with. So in a haphazard attempt to fill this void, I binged. I then freaaaaked the F out which lead to purging. It’s extremely rare for me now to to get rid of food in such a manner, but occasionally life gets too much and I find myself desperate to regain some control.
I had the full intention to share this, open up to my fiance or text a friend or tell my parents. I had prepared the dialog in my head and was gearing myself up to approach the subject with someone close to me. But things happen, stuff comes up and you’re left thinking that everyone else’s problems are more important than your own, you want to make sure that everyone else is okay before burdening them with your issues. Of course that’s not the case! But that’s where my head was at at the time.
Opportunities arose and I had many chances to share what had happened and my current state of mind but for some reason, every time I tried, I froze. Am I ashamed? Slightly. Am I thinking back to those early years with my eating disorder, when it was my secret? Yes. Are these good emotions to be harbouring? Not at all.
So here I am, left storing up yet another worry to add to my ever growing list. Which, in turn, will lead to another slip up if I’m not careful.
So I guess in a way, this post is my first step to opening up. I’m worried that people will read this and think I’m a fraud. I mean come on, it was only a couple of months ago that I was blogging about ‘being recovered’ and how far I’ve come. But the whole reason behind me starting this blog was to be open and honest about mental health, the good times and the not so good times. Relapse is a part of recovery, it doesn’t make you any less recovered, it doesn’t diminish all the progress that you’ve made and it shouldn’t stop you from fighting.
So this is me, climbing back up the rabbit hole for the hundredth time.