The past week has been interesting, I’m not even sure if that’s the right word to use. I haven’t been down, anxious or struggling to cope. But something just isn’t sitting right with me.
I think that’s the problem with recovery, even when you feel okay, even when things are running smoothly and you haven’t had an ‘episode’ in a while, you’re never truly out of the metaphorical woods. Things can change so quickly if you’re not prepared, so letting your guard down, even for just a second, is something you just can’t let happen.
So, to be triggered is to set something off, a chain reaction of sorts. Something happens, whatever it is, it makes you feel uneasy. It might be a comment, a situation, a person, which then starts off a catalyst of discomfort and intrusive thoughts. I’ve known about my main triggers for a while now and they were mentioned in my previous blog post; ‘Self Harm to Self Care.’ Lack of control being one and any form of change being the other, I guess they intertwine slightly. Knowing this makes it way easier to deal with my emotions, if I know there’s an event coming up that’s going to trigger these feelings, I can make the appropriate adjustments to ensure I’m comfortable.
But on occasion, things beyond my knowledge and control will occur and I’ll be flung into a situation that I wasn’t prepared for. This then results in me struggling to get my thoughts back on track and avoid any form of relapse.
Yes, this week I’ve felt triggered, I probably ate a bit more than what would be deemed ‘normal’ in some people’s minds, but what’s classed as normal anyway?
On reflection, I know why this happened. There’s been a lot of diet talk, summer body talk and food talk around me recently. A few people telling me a bit too much about their eating habits and all a bit too flippantly for my liking. It still effects me, I still really struggle to distance myself from other people’s choices and forget that I’m doing what’s best for me. I’m left thinking I need to loose weight, that after everything I’m still not good enough. If everyone else is on this quest to loose weight and achieve the ‘perfect body’ then shouldn’t I be joining in? Go back to those habits that nearly killed me? Obviously the answer is no, but lines become so blurred when you are faced with the unexpected conversation of weight loss.
People will always diet, people will always worry about weight and people will ALWAYS be striving for a near impossible goal to get the body of their dreams. Unfortunately it’s the world we live in now and no matter how much it infuriates me or how much I wish I could show those people how wonderful and worthy they already are, it will still happen. I can’t change everyone’s views, I can’t stop the tidal wave of negative body image crap from adverts and companies that swamp us every day. But I can still work on bettering myself and if that means tuning out from certain conversations or removing myself from uncomfortable situations for my own mental well being, then so be it.
Sometimes I need a gentle reminder that even though I’ve come on leaps and bounds from a year or so ago, I’m still recovering. I’m not bitter or selfish, I’m not self obsessed or narcissistic. I’m recovering. Triggers will happen and I will always expect them too because failing to prepare is preparing to fail and I refuse to return to the place where food controlled my every waking thought.